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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 1, 2011

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Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 1, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it's so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Just keep telling yourself it's all going to be all right until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can't trust anything you say.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although it's true you can successfully hide certain things in plain sight without anyone noticing, it turns out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout troop's worth of corpses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to think of yourself as a big neurotic mess, but don't sell yourself short. You're also a big psychotic mess on top of it all.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars don't believe they actually have to say this, but just because you find a recipe that makes pancakes for 1,500 people doesn't mean you actually have to make that many.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you'll still manage to be considered a success.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your problem, if you're honest with yourself, isn't that you love too much. It's that you make love to people's mailboxes too frequently.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't worry: You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some tightly wound and dangerous psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your confusion over the exact meaning of the term "elope" will become apparent this week when parts of the bodies begin to turn up in the desert.

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