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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 11, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll become the sworn enemy of men's-magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullit wasn't really a very good movie.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a great wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be plunged into a pit of depression by the thought that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Raise your voice in anger and rail against the Gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In The Hall Of The Mountain King is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have to stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that ten bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't know anyone saw you take it.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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