Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 11, 2014

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 10

Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying

In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet.

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High

According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Customer Service

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 11, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll become the sworn enemy of men's-magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullit wasn't really a very good movie.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a great wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll be plunged into a pit of depression by the thought that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Raise your voice in anger and rail against the Gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
  • Libra

    Libra

    In The Hall Of The Mountain King is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You have to stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that ten bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't know anyone saw you take it.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More