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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 11, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a complete compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll become the sworn enemy of men's-magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullit wasn't really a very good movie.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a great wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be plunged into a pit of depression by the thought that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Raise your voice in anger and rail against the Gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    In The Hall Of The Mountain King is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You have to stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that ten bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't know anyone saw you take it.

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