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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 13, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely want to do. In your case, this will mean choosing between eating pancakes and eating the World's Largest Pancake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the investigators come to sift through the twisted, disgusting wreckage, they'll be amazed that your fat ass could do so much damage by simply "sitting around the house."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As it turns out, it's far less fun than you might think when all the simplistic philosophy espoused by your favorite novelty T-shirts becomes relevant this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Balloon animals, unicycles, chimpanzees, and blood will figure prominently in your future after you run afoul of an assassin who specializes in making his kills look like especially hilarious accidents.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll nearly go deaf from the dozens of commercial flights circling your house before finally working up the humility to apologize to the all the air traffic controllers you've insulted.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll successfully tap into the profitable intersection of hygiene and self-hatred, becoming quite wealthy from sales of your innovative scrape-on deodorant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The universe, in its unknowable ancient wisdom, has a plan for everyone. For now, however, it's probably best that you just keep sitting there eating things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be paralyzed with doubt and indecision next week as you try to determine exactly when it's okay to wear brown wing tips.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes the world ignores accomplishment and you just have to reward yourself for everything you’ve done. In simpler terms, please go throw yourself down a few flights of stairs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd seen it all and nothing could surprise you anymore, but it's still amazing how few people can simply walk up to a counter and order a cup of coffee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars aren't sure if you've lost weight or done something to your hair or what, but whatever it is, you're looking good. Also, do you happen to have 50 bucks they could borrow until Friday?

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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