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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 13, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely want to do. In your case, this will mean choosing between eating pancakes and eating the World's Largest Pancake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    When the investigators come to sift through the twisted, disgusting wreckage, they'll be amazed that your fat ass could do so much damage by simply "sitting around the house."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As it turns out, it's far less fun than you might think when all the simplistic philosophy espoused by your favorite novelty T-shirts becomes relevant this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Balloon animals, unicycles, chimpanzees, and blood will figure prominently in your future after you run afoul of an assassin who specializes in making his kills look like especially hilarious accidents.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll nearly go deaf from the dozens of commercial flights circling your house before finally working up the humility to apologize to the all the air traffic controllers you've insulted.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll successfully tap into the profitable intersection of hygiene and self-hatred, becoming quite wealthy from sales of your innovative scrape-on deodorant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The universe, in its unknowable ancient wisdom, has a plan for everyone. For now, however, it's probably best that you just keep sitting there eating things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be paralyzed with doubt and indecision next week as you try to determine exactly when it's okay to wear brown wing tips.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes the world ignores accomplishment and you just have to reward yourself for everything you’ve done. In simpler terms, please go throw yourself down a few flights of stairs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You thought you'd seen it all and nothing could surprise you anymore, but it's still amazing how few people can simply walk up to a counter and order a cup of coffee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars aren't sure if you've lost weight or done something to your hair or what, but whatever it is, you're looking good. Also, do you happen to have 50 bucks they could borrow until Friday?
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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