Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 13, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 11

Still Some Nutella Left In Jar, Reports Depression

TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar. 

Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen to 11.6 percent since 1999.

In Over Your Head

We're talking $1,310 a month for the next 30 years of your life—that's until 2042 and doesn't even begin to include property taxes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 13, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely want to do. In your case, this will mean choosing between eating pancakes and eating the World's Largest Pancake.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    When the investigators come to sift through the twisted, disgusting wreckage, they'll be amazed that your fat ass could do so much damage by simply "sitting around the house."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    As it turns out, it's far less fun than you might think when all the simplistic philosophy espoused by your favorite novelty T-shirts becomes relevant this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Balloon animals, unicycles, chimpanzees, and blood will figure prominently in your future after you run afoul of an assassin who specializes in making his kills look like especially hilarious accidents.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll nearly go deaf from the dozens of commercial flights circling your house before finally working up the humility to apologize to the all the air traffic controllers you've insulted.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll successfully tap into the profitable intersection of hygiene and self-hatred, becoming quite wealthy from sales of your innovative scrape-on deodorant.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The universe, in its unknowable ancient wisdom, has a plan for everyone. For now, however, it's probably best that you just keep sitting there eating things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be paralyzed with doubt and indecision next week as you try to determine exactly when it's okay to wear brown wing tips.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sometimes the world ignores accomplishment and you just have to reward yourself for everything you’ve done. In simpler terms, please go throw yourself down a few flights of stairs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You thought you'd seen it all and nothing could surprise you anymore, but it's still amazing how few people can simply walk up to a counter and order a cup of coffee.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars aren't sure if you've lost weight or done something to your hair or what, but whatever it is, you're looking good. Also, do you happen to have 50 bucks they could borrow until Friday?
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