Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 18, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 11

Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 18, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide them with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fulness of time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you have gotten a haircut, you will enigmatically say "Yes, I got them all cut."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo

    When your life's work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye , you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won't work forever.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've achieved your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor motive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Although most of the jabs at your mother's weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    They laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet "just in case," but never as hard as they will this week.
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