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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting to fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it's important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life, and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you'll pretty much simply die.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say the clothes make the man, but you and your beautiful, understated suits are proof that this is simply not the case.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the earth and stuff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you're at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they're board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you'll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren't on backward.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll end next week the same way you'll start it: with a desperate all-or-nothing gamble that your crackpot scheme will be able to extinguish the flames.
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