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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting to fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it's important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life, and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you'll pretty much simply die.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say the clothes make the man, but you and your beautiful, understated suits are proof that this is simply not the case.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the earth and stuff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you're at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they're board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you'll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren't on backward.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll end next week the same way you'll start it: with a desperate all-or-nothing gamble that your crackpot scheme will be able to extinguish the flames.

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