Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 12

Luck

HBO 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Life at the track is turned upside down when one of the jockeys discovers the horses can talk.

That's So Gina!

CBS 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST This week, Gina saves half the chicken she had for dinner and cuts it up for a salad she'll have for lunch tomorrow. That's so her.

Anthony Davis

Kentucky's shot-blocking frosh sensation has been unselfish, versatile, and seemingly everywhere on the floor during the NCAA Tournament.

Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan

A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana join together to form a collective consciousness, and Ray Ban is unsure the public can pull off its 2012 series of sunglasses.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Innovation

Business

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting to fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it's important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life, and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you'll pretty much simply die.
  • Libra

    Libra

    They say the clothes make the man, but you and your beautiful, understated suits are proof that this is simply not the case.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the earth and stuff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    They say you're at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they're board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you'll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren't on backward.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll end next week the same way you'll start it: with a desperate all-or-nothing gamble that your crackpot scheme will be able to extinguish the flames.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More