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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 20, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat him to the punch by doing it within seven months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This just might be the year when you stop listening to spurious advice and trusting to fate. Remember to keep checking your horoscope to make sure.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll get to know your town a little better over the next few weeks as you lose your job, get evicted, and wander the streets looking for food and shelter.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes everything seems dark and without hope. When you begin feeling this way, it's important to remember that these are the natural consequences of being realistic.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be forced to confront the infinite, the fleeting nature of life, and your own mortality next week when, not to put too fine a point on it, you'll pretty much simply die.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    They say the clothes make the man, but you and your beautiful, understated suits are proof that this is simply not the case.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're finally over your last lover, to the point where you can start reading that book he recommended in which God creates the earth and stuff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you're at the end of your rope and that you should just give up and resign yourself to failure, and they're board-licensed psychiatrists and therapists, so they should know.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll find to your delight that love at first sight is very real, and to your horror that revulsion and loathing on fifth sight is, too.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you'll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren't on backward.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll end next week the same way you'll start it: with a desperate all-or-nothing gamble that your crackpot scheme will be able to extinguish the flames.

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