adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the August issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you boasted last week that “nothing can stop me now,” you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s never too late to start your life over, but hurry, as you only have minutes left.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close