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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the August issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you boasted last week that “nothing can stop me now,” you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s never too late to start your life over, but hurry, as you only have minutes left.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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