Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 12

Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket

CHARLOTTE, NC—Attempting to put together an offensive play during last night’s matchup against the Detroit Pistons, the Charlotte Bobcats’ starting five got lost while driving to the basket, team sources confirmed Sunday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    As the August issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    When you boasted last week that “nothing can stop me now,” you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It’s never too late to start your life over, but hurry, as you only have minutes left.
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