Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 20, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the August issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This will be a lucky week indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you boasted last week that “nothing can stop me now,” you apparently forgot about syphilis.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them after all.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It’s never too late to start your life over, but hurry, as you only have minutes left.


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