Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 23, 2010

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 23, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All the praying in the world can't save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it's too late.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    As an educator, you always hoped you'd make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever too old to learn something new.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it's a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you're accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that's not a typo.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office's sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you'll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close