Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 23, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 12

Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something

CLEVELAND—In a locker room interview prior to his game against the Sacramento Kings Sunday, Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas ruminated on his home country, guessing he might be from Romania or Croatia before finally concluding that he is probably from Turkey or someplace like that.

Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—In what is being called the worst development to hit the Asian pop star industry in years, the floundering economy forced several Pacific Rim nations to lay off some 700,000 pop stars this week, sources close to the young, perky e...

Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

A study of 52 depictions of the Last Supper—the final meal Jesus ate with his disciples before he was crucified—found that food portions in the paintings have grown 69 percent over the past millennium.

Highlights Of The 2010 Iditarod

Alaska's Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race is a 1,161-mile spectacle of human courage and canine fortitude, and the 2010 race was an exceptional example.

John Wall

This Kentucky Wildcats freshman phenom is a multitalented point guard who's already generating a lot of speculation about his pro future. Is he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 23, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they're just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All the praying in the world can't save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it's too late.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    As an educator, you always hoped you'd make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever too old to learn something new.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it's a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you're accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that's not a typo.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office's sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you'll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.
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