Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 12

Eating Small Meals Throughout Day Doesn’t Help Weight Loss

Contradicting the theory that eating small meals throughout the day is effective for weight loss, a new study has found that eating frequent small portions of food doesn’t actually help people lose weight any more than those who eat three meals per ...

Batman Turns 75

Sunday marks the 75th anniversary of Batman’s first appearance in DC Comics. Here is a timeline of important events in the evolution of the Caped Crusader from comic book hero to billion-dollar franchise

Apple To Diversify Emojis

Responding to criticism that their emojis aren’t diverse enough, Apple has announced that they are working with programmers to add more multicultural and racially diverse faces to its 845-icon catalogue of emojis.

Mark From Sales Currently Leading Bracket Pool

FINDLAY, OH—Following the first four Sweet 16 games of this year’s NCAA Tournament, sources at local marketing firm Jones-Brannon Media confirmed Friday that Mark from sales is currently leading the office bracket pool.

4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show

WASHINGTON—Four United States senators are reportedly recovering in Washington-area hospitals today following a shocking and grisly incident Thursday night, when a 480-pound male tiger brutally mauled the elected officials in front of a full audienc...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Since it hates its job barfing out your future, is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and-turkey-baster kind of guy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.
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