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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Since it hates its job barfing out your future, is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and-turkey-baster kind of guy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.

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