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Weird, Area Woman Wasn't Harassed Today

Bewildered paralegal Caitlin Levy says that after returning home from work today, it occurred to her that, oddly, at no point during her day was she harassed, leered at, or made to feel humiliated or physically threatened.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 25, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Since it hates its job barfing out your future, is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and-turkey-baster kind of guy.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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