Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 13

Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl

An aquarium unveils its new 'Floating Carcasses of the Pacific' exhibit, a guy with 10,000 tweets and 15 followers is about ready to hang it up, and a local father buys string cheese to make coming to his house more fun. It's the week of March 29, 2013.

Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway

A group funded by local gun enthusiasts’ donations announced plans to provide free shotguns to citizens in troubled sections of Tucson, AZ, the site of the 2011 mass shooting that left former congresswoman Gabby Giffords severely wounded.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s been wrong with you lately. That, sadly enough, takes three rocket scientists.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    There’s nothing a woman remembers more vividly and completely than her very own wedding day, which for you means going straight to Plan B.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    All of your boy scout training will come in handy this week when you’re forced to fight off three grown-men inside a darkened tent.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Take a moment this week to reflect on the fleeting nature of love, loss, and life itself. This should give the stars enough time to deal with some actual, important shit for once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    They say there’s nothing funny about being a raging alcoholic, which is strange, as you can’t seem to keep yourself from laughing hysterically about it.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Just when things seem to be going your way, you’ll be forced to get out of bed this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Nobody knows your sweet old Jeremiah as well as you do, except maybe for his secret second wife, their three grown-up children, and several high-ranking officers at the CIA.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future, though it’s mostly just to keep themselves entertained.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your body will soon undergo a number of new and exciting changes, transforming you, little by little, into what used to once be a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Turns out all those sandwiches weren’t named after you, and that “Turkey With Swiss On Rye” is a rather unusual first name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    By the end of the week, you’ll know more about dental prostheses than you ever thought possible.
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