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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013

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Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 26, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s been wrong with you lately. That, sadly enough, takes three rocket scientists.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There’s nothing a woman remembers more vividly and completely than her very own wedding day, which for you means going straight to Plan B.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All of your boy scout training will come in handy this week when you’re forced to fight off three grown-men inside a darkened tent.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take a moment this week to reflect on the fleeting nature of love, loss, and life itself. This should give the stars enough time to deal with some actual, important shit for once.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    They say there’s nothing funny about being a raging alcoholic, which is strange, as you can’t seem to keep yourself from laughing hysterically about it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just when things seem to be going your way, you’ll be forced to get out of bed this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Nobody knows your sweet old Jeremiah as well as you do, except maybe for his secret second wife, their three grown-up children, and several high-ranking officers at the CIA.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars foresee a great deal of wealth and success in your future, though it’s mostly just to keep themselves entertained.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your body will soon undergo a number of new and exciting changes, transforming you, little by little, into what used to once be a woman.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out all those sandwiches weren’t named after you, and that “Turkey With Swiss On Rye” is a rather unusual first name.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    By the end of the week, you’ll know more about dental prostheses than you ever thought possible.

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