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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes – Week of March 27, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll experience a desire to strengthen old bonds of friendship, so it's really too bad that everyone who has known you for more than two years hates you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be roundly condemned by members of the Academy of Country Music when, despite their specific instructions, you let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mercury in retrograde in your sign is a signal that you're about to be run over by some guy backing up his Mercury, which is in turn a sign that the Zodiac is getting just plain lazy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While the smiling old woman isn't lying about her award-winning cupcakes, she is withholding crucial information regarding the depraved and sadistic nature of the local cupcake awards.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought a life of safari adventures, epic cookouts, and jungle cats awaited you, but it turns out the local Waffle House was not in fact advertising for a "lion cook."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find yourself unable to comply with simple requests this week, as you lack the internal resources to "be cool," "get down," or "boogie."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This sign of the Zodiac will be phased out this week and its duties subsumed by other signs. During this time of change, please assume that you will have a torrid romance with a stranger or be hit by a train.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate you will wonder for the rest of your life what would have happened if you had just gone ahead and kissed that girl at the party the other night.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be devastated but not surprised to learn your life is a cheap remake of that of St. Pilaster of Avens, who died in 1421 in a very similar grease fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While the pursuit of true love should be your guiding principle in life, the girl at the coffee shop will melt the eyes out of your head with a well-aimed pot of French Roast Sumatran if you don't stop bothering her.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only minor and mostly cosmetic changes this week.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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