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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes – Week of March 27, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll experience a desire to strengthen old bonds of friendship, so it's really too bad that everyone who has known you for more than two years hates you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be roundly condemned by members of the Academy of Country Music when, despite their specific instructions, you let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mercury in retrograde in your sign is a signal that you're about to be run over by some guy backing up his Mercury, which is in turn a sign that the Zodiac is getting just plain lazy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While the smiling old woman isn't lying about her award-winning cupcakes, she is withholding crucial information regarding the depraved and sadistic nature of the local cupcake awards.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought a life of safari adventures, epic cookouts, and jungle cats awaited you, but it turns out the local Waffle House was not in fact advertising for a "lion cook."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find yourself unable to comply with simple requests this week, as you lack the internal resources to "be cool," "get down," or "boogie."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This sign of the Zodiac will be phased out this week and its duties subsumed by other signs. During this time of change, please assume that you will have a torrid romance with a stranger or be hit by a train.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate you will wonder for the rest of your life what would have happened if you had just gone ahead and kissed that girl at the party the other night.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be devastated but not surprised to learn your life is a cheap remake of that of St. Pilaster of Avens, who died in 1421 in a very similar grease fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While the pursuit of true love should be your guiding principle in life, the girl at the coffee shop will melt the eyes out of your head with a well-aimed pot of French Roast Sumatran if you don't stop bothering her.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only minor and mostly cosmetic changes this week.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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