Your Horoscopes – Week of March 27, 2012

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Your Horoscopes – Week of March 27, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll experience a desire to strengthen old bonds of friendship, so it's really too bad that everyone who has known you for more than two years hates you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be roundly condemned by members of the Academy of Country Music when, despite their specific instructions, you let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mercury in retrograde in your sign is a signal that you're about to be run over by some guy backing up his Mercury, which is in turn a sign that the Zodiac is getting just plain lazy.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While the smiling old woman isn't lying about her award-winning cupcakes, she is withholding crucial information regarding the depraved and sadistic nature of the local cupcake awards.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought a life of safari adventures, epic cookouts, and jungle cats awaited you, but it turns out the local Waffle House was not in fact advertising for a "lion cook."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You find yourself unable to comply with simple requests this week, as you lack the internal resources to "be cool," "get down," or "boogie."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This sign of the Zodiac will be phased out this week and its duties subsumed by other signs. During this time of change, please assume that you will have a torrid romance with a stranger or be hit by a train.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate you will wonder for the rest of your life what would have happened if you had just gone ahead and kissed that girl at the party the other night.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be devastated but not surprised to learn your life is a cheap remake of that of St. Pilaster of Avens, who died in 1421 in a very similar grease fire.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While the pursuit of true love should be your guiding principle in life, the girl at the coffee shop will melt the eyes out of your head with a well-aimed pot of French Roast Sumatran if you don't stop bothering her.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Only minor and mostly cosmetic changes this week.
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