Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won't do the job on a city that size.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You're starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they're trying to work on their own future for once, if you don't mind.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it's probably nothing.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it's too bad you're going to miss the whole thing.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Old promises come due this week when you're reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn't all it's cracked up to be.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION