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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won't do the job on a city that size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they're trying to work on their own future for once, if you don't mind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it's probably nothing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it's too bad you're going to miss the whole thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Old promises come due this week when you're reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn't all it's cracked up to be.

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