Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 29, 2011

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 13

Eating Locally

The locavore movement—in which people eat food produced near their home to reduce their carbon footprint—is getting more and more popular. Here are some ways you can do more to eat locally.

Cooking For Large Groups

As the warmer weather approaches, many people will open their houses to larger dinner parties. Here are some ways to take the sting out of cooking for a large group of people.

Area Dad Off To Bad Start With Waitress

BETHEL, PA—Following an awkward exchange in which Tom Richardson flagged down their server for "a round of waters" mere seconds after being seated, family members confirmed Sunday the 56-year-old father of three was off to a rough start wi...

Study: 38 Age It Too Late

BALTIMORE—After years of observing people in their late 30s to early 40s, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that once an individual reaches 38 years of age it is too late to make any meaningful life changes.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won't do the job on a city that size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You're starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they're trying to work on their own future for once, if you don't mind.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it's probably nothing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it's too bad you're going to miss the whole thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Old promises come due this week when you're reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More