adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 29, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're not the kind of person who can wear those stylish strappy heels, mostly because you're too stupid to figure out how shoes go on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Love, wisdom, and luck are all strong in your zodiac sign this week, providing further proof that you are not your zodiac sign.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The bellboy will be a little intimidated by all your luggage, but, frankly, a single suitcase nuke won't do the job on a city that size.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll become embroiled in a vicious conflict between those who feel Queens of the Stone Age are overrated and those who want control of the cocaine trade on the Eastern Seaboard.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're starting to believe that your neighbor is trying to hide something from you with all those clothes she insists on wearing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars have nothing to say to you this week, as they're trying to work on their own future for once, if you don't mind.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Spice things up in the bedroom this week by inviting someone to go in there with you for some intercourse.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll have strange dreams in which a bearded hippie in a long robe urges you to cast off your burdens and join him at the right hand of his father, but it's probably nothing.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Next week will be a joyful whirlwind of magic, laughter, and romance, so it's too bad you're going to miss the whole thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be saddened when it turns out that all those people who only like you for your money turn out not to be very good friends.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Old promises come due this week when you're reminded of your pledge to get a real job just as soon as the Portuguese prime minister retires.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll continue to spend your days covered in feathers and bird shit, proving that being dressed by birds every morning isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close