Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 30, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 13

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 30, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will inspire a new Zen riddle this week when a tree falls on top of you in the woods and there's no one around to hear all the screaming.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Love can make a person do all sorts of weird and crazy things, but in your case, it'll mostly involve showering.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation will soon leave you with the tumor-growing ability of 10 regular men.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    While being replaced by a machine is never easy, losing your job to a common office stapler will prove especially difficult to take.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There won't be a dry eye in the house. That's how tear-jerkingly funny your wedding will be.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will come face to face with your worst fears this week after standing in front of a bathroom mirror.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Of all the plans you had for what you'd do with a million dollars, serving 12 years for grand larceny was probably last on your list.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Admitting failure has never been your strong suit. Thankfully, this week's stench will say more than mere words ever could.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
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