Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 4, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 09

Young E-Cigarette Users Less Likely To Quit Smoking

According to a new study from researchers at the University of California San Francisco, middle and high school students who use electronic cigarettes are more likely to smoke real cigarettes and be heavier smokers than those who don’t.

Brief Moment Of Lucidity Called Panic Attack

JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Following a brief episode Friday during which he became physically debilitated by a flood of worries about his struggles in his career, romantic failings, and his own fragile mortality, sources confirmed that local man Evan Turoff...

Massachusetts Bans Upskirt Photos After Outcry

Due to the controversy surrounding their ruling earlier this week that criminal voyeurism didn’t apply to a man who took photos up a woman’s skirt on the MBTA, the Massachusetts Legislature voted yesterday to outlaw the act of “upskirtin...

Papa John’s Now Offering 3-Day Home Delivery

LOUISVILLE, KY—Aiming to provide their customers with the most convenient options when placing an order, Papa John’s officials announced Friday that the restaurant chain will now be offering three-day home delivery service on any purchase.

Dog Held Against Will Inside Skype Window

Ukrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 4, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're through giving advice to people, to the vast relief of the park rangers tasked with pulling their charred husks out of the volcanoes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they'll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you'll lose at the zoo this Thursday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you'll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you'll make history as the world's first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won't get the girl this time, either.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've always said that if you were king, you'd make college free, but there won't be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.
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