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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 4, 2014

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 4, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're through giving advice to people, to the vast relief of the park rangers tasked with pulling their charred husks out of the volcanoes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they'll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you'll lose at the zoo this Thursday.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you'll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you'll make history as the world's first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won't get the girl this time, either.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've always said that if you were king, you'd make college free, but there won't be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.

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