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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to all the napping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: Some people were put on this earth to achieve great things. Other people, like you, are just here to help with exposition and backstory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Much to your horror, the other shoe will finally drop this week, along with the other sock, half-a-dozen metal screws, and the other prosthetic leg.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You’d do just about anything to be able to see your father again, which is too bad, as he’s healthy, happy, and living at an assisted living center in Coral Springs.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The earth and moon continue their age-old cosmic dance this week, bumping into nearby star systems, and bringing untold death and destruction to millions of lives.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed home, but this little piggy—this little piggy right here—will be mailed to friends and family members for a healthy ransom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ll laugh all the way to the bank this week, before seeing your account statement, monthly service charges, looming overdraft fees, and crying all the way back home.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that you’re way ahead of your time. Specifically, the year 2436, when covering oneself in bird dung and screaming angrily at the Sun will be commonplace.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The ebb and flow of the ocean tide will greatly influence your future this week, pushing you further and further away from all those rescue ships.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It slices, it dices—it makes perfect shoestring fries each and every time! It’s Susan, the woman you married 15 years ago and now treat more like a kitchen appliance than your very wife!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say that home is where the heart is, but little do they know about the metal box, the bloody towels, and the crosscut saw beneath the floorboards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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