Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 5, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 10

Iowa Fashion Week Begins

DES MOINES, IA—The greater Des Moines area was abuzz with excitement Monday as Iowa’s annual Fashion Week officially kicked off, opening a busy seven days of runway shows and clothing exhibitions showcasing Iowa’s hottest new styles from...

Albany Bucket Museum

Learn about the history of buckets with a self-guided tour through the museum's four fascinating exhibits, then sit down and watch the hourly documentary about buckets and their role in winning America's independence.

God Worried He Fucked Up His Children

THE HEAVENS—Saying that maybe He wasn’t around enough and could have expressed His divine love a little better throughout the history of mankind, Our Lord God and Almighty Father expressed concern Thursday that He might have fucked up His chil...

Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert

Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was seen struggling during a performance of “Beauty and a Beat” at a show in London last night before walking off stage and fainting out of view of the audience, and was later taken to a hospital.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to all the napping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: Some people were put on this earth to achieve great things. Other people, like you, are just here to help with exposition and backstory.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Much to your horror, the other shoe will finally drop this week, along with the other sock, half-a-dozen metal screws, and the other prosthetic leg.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You’d do just about anything to be able to see your father again, which is too bad, as he’s healthy, happy, and living at an assisted living center in Coral Springs.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The earth and moon continue their age-old cosmic dance this week, bumping into nearby star systems, and bringing untold death and destruction to millions of lives.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed home, but this little piggy—this little piggy right here—will be mailed to friends and family members for a healthy ransom.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You’ll laugh all the way to the bank this week, before seeing your account statement, monthly service charges, looming overdraft fees, and crying all the way back home.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate that you’re way ahead of your time. Specifically, the year 2436, when covering oneself in bird dung and screaming angrily at the Sun will be commonplace.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The ebb and flow of the ocean tide will greatly influence your future this week, pushing you further and further away from all those rescue ships.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It slices, it dices—it makes perfect shoestring fries each and every time! It’s Susan, the woman you married 15 years ago and now treat more like a kitchen appliance than your very wife!
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    They say that home is where the heart is, but little do they know about the metal box, the bloody towels, and the crosscut saw beneath the floorboards.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
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