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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 6, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were pregnant, female, or had ever had sex.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Yet another week will go by during which you're so caught up in your own personal business that you'll completely forget you were supposed to murder Nicole.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's not the part about the calls coming from inside the house that's creepy; it's the fact that the police could figure that out even though everyone has cell phones these days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although you completely understand the building inspector's point about wheelchair access, you're not certain the ramps are quite in keeping with the purpose of your Burmese tiger traps.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Mercury is in retrograde this week, which may explain why it's falling back into all its old bad habits like drinking too much and talking crap about you to all your mutual planetary friends.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    While it's true engineers have been known to drill "lightening holes" in vehicles to reduce their weight, it's probably best that you just eat less and exercise regularly.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You still don't fully grasp the difference between tongue depressors and Popsicle sticks, especially since they both burn at pretty much the same temperature and fit in the same places in people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've been reluctant to try it, but your experience with cybersex is actually warm, satisfying, and mutually uplifting, you horribly stunted emotional cripple.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that no man is an island, but all bullshit humanistic hand-wringing aside, it's totally okay to be happy that malignant Breitbart asshole is gone forever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will finally settle on the one question that will define how you interact with the rest of humanity, but sadly, it turns out that most of them were in fact going to finish eating that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you won't discover electricity in the absolute sense this week, you will discover it in a very profound personal fashion.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Thursday is not going to be the least bit funny to you, but it will be hilarious to the chair-lift operator, the septic tank man, the EMTs, and everyone who reads about it in the New York Post
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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