Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 6, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 10

How Sturdy Is That?

HGTV 5:00 p.m. EST/4:00 p.m. CST Host Bryan Lowd leans against a shed in Tulsa, jumps on a floorboard in Denver, and sits on five rocking chairs in front of a live studio audience.

Negative Nancies

ABC 1:00 p.m. EST/12:00 p.m. CST Nancy Grace, Nancy Kerrigan, and Nancy Pelosi talk about how bad the environment's getting and how sad it is nobody knows their neighbors anymore.

College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts are making 11 percent less.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 6, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    The sudden premature arrival of your baby can still be a cause for joy, despite the fact that you were completely unaware you were pregnant, female, or had ever had sex.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Yet another week will go by during which you're so caught up in your own personal business that you'll completely forget you were supposed to murder Nicole.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's not the part about the calls coming from inside the house that's creepy; it's the fact that the police could figure that out even though everyone has cell phones these days.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Although you completely understand the building inspector's point about wheelchair access, you're not certain the ramps are quite in keeping with the purpose of your Burmese tiger traps.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Mercury is in retrograde this week, which may explain why it's falling back into all its old bad habits like drinking too much and talking crap about you to all your mutual planetary friends.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    While it's true engineers have been known to drill "lightening holes" in vehicles to reduce their weight, it's probably best that you just eat less and exercise regularly.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You still don't fully grasp the difference between tongue depressors and Popsicle sticks, especially since they both burn at pretty much the same temperature and fit in the same places in people.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've been reluctant to try it, but your experience with cybersex is actually warm, satisfying, and mutually uplifting, you horribly stunted emotional cripple.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It's true that no man is an island, but all bullshit humanistic hand-wringing aside, it's totally okay to be happy that malignant Breitbart asshole is gone forever.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will finally settle on the one question that will define how you interact with the rest of humanity, but sadly, it turns out that most of them were in fact going to finish eating that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although you won't discover electricity in the absolute sense this week, you will discover it in a very profound personal fashion.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Thursday is not going to be the least bit funny to you, but it will be hilarious to the chair-lift operator, the septic tank man, the EMTs, and everyone who reads about it in the New York Post
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