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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of March 8, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't worry: There's absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they're unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person's constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you'll make next week.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The constellation Virgo has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You'll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you'll only be awake for a few seconds.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're spending less time con≠sidering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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