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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your life story will bring much-needed happiness and laughter to the world, especially the hilarious ending.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Sadly, there is nothing in this world that can ever bring back your dead loved ones. Happily, most things in the world can be used to send your hated ones away.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will seem boring and empty until you discover what that otherwise useless other gender is actually for.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's a mixed week for you regarding personal triumphs. You will win a longstanding argument with an obstinate Pisces, but lose your long-running battle with Cancer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it often seems hilarious, the powers that be are far from indifferent to your cries of suffering and pleas for help. They think they're downright sickening.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will wake from the best sleep of your life to find that you've been catapulted through the windshield by the force of the airbag deploying.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that tomorrow will be a good day to die a noble death in the service of humanity. Unfortunately, they have bad news for you about this afternoon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes people don't say what they really mean. For instance, they may say the words "big fat stupid asshole" when they really mean "big dumb jerkasaurus."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens when your tragic tale of sexual profligacy and rampant drug abuse is turned into the coolest PSA of all time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that 2012 is your year, that just means you're responsible for its upkeep and maintenance, so you'd really better get going on that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a thousand stars, which is appropriate, as in broad daylight you're actually not that impressive.

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