Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 18

This Is Fun, Right?

GSN 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Host Jon Barton can’t tell if contestants are having a good time, so he tries to think of fun games for them to play.

Mosquitoes Don't Even Need To Bite Us, Study Shows

MINNEAPOLIS—According to a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Minnesota, mosquitoes have no physiological reason to bite humans, and in fact do so only out of spite. "For years, entomologists assumed members of the ...

DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days

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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your life story will bring much-needed happiness and laughter to the world, especially the hilarious ending.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Sadly, there is nothing in this world that can ever bring back your dead loved ones. Happily, most things in the world can be used to send your hated ones away.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your life will seem boring and empty until you discover what that otherwise useless other gender is actually for.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's a mixed week for you regarding personal triumphs. You will win a longstanding argument with an obstinate Pisces, but lose your long-running battle with Cancer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though it often seems hilarious, the powers that be are far from indifferent to your cries of suffering and pleas for help. They think they're downright sickening.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will wake from the best sleep of your life to find that you've been catapulted through the windshield by the force of the airbag deploying.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate that tomorrow will be a good day to die a noble death in the service of humanity. Unfortunately, they have bad news for you about this afternoon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sometimes people don't say what they really mean. For instance, they may say the words "big fat stupid asshole" when they really mean "big dumb jerkasaurus."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens when your tragic tale of sexual profligacy and rampant drug abuse is turned into the coolest PSA of all time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    While it's true that 2012 is your year, that just means you're responsible for its upkeep and maintenance, so you'd really better get going on that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a thousand stars, which is appropriate, as in broad daylight you're actually not that impressive.
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