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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.

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