Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 19

Nuggets Tell Dying George Karl They Made NBA Finals

DENVER—During a visit to his coach's deathbed at Denver Presbyterian Hospital on Wednesday, Nuggets All-Star Carmelo Anthony told a barely conscious, cancer-ridden George Karl that their team, which was eliminated during the first round...

Dallas Braden

A few weeks after becoming embroiled in a mound-crossing feud with Alex Rodriguez, Braden pitched the 19th perfect game in MLB history. Is he any good?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
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