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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 11, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.

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