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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 13, 2014

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 13, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week's revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with transvestism.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said "Either this wallpaper goes or I do," but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it'll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you've tried that already.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your drug experimentation phase enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can't understand why people keep telling you they're tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you're feeling for those poor terrified nurses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will indeed live fairly fast, and you'll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.

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