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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 13, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    This week's revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with transvestism.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said "Either this wallpaper goes or I do," but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it'll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you've tried that already.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your drug experimentation phase enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can't understand why people keep telling you they're tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you're feeling for those poor terrified nurses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will indeed live fairly fast, and you'll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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