Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 13, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 19

Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 13, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    This week's revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with transvestism.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said "Either this wallpaper goes or I do," but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to mind.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it'll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you've tried that already.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your drug experimentation phase enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You can't understand why people keep telling you they're tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you're feeling for those poor terrified nurses.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will indeed live fairly fast, and you'll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.
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