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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2013

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They’ve taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then, they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’re prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family’s priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ve never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of “Head Whiner.”
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ve always prided yourself on being able to both “talk the talk” and “walk the walk,” but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter’s fourth birthday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve heard the saying “you are what you eat” many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.

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