Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 20

Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party

ARLINGTON, TX—While gathered for a party at a coworker’s backyard pool Saturday, out-of-shape colleagues at Shuster, Layne & Associates were struck by the coincidence that they had somehow each forgotten to bring bathing apparel to the fes...

Obama's Second Term Mired In Scandal

President Obama’s second term is off to a rocky start, with the acting IRS chief stepping down, the Justice Department seizing journalists’ phone records, and Republicans continuing to allege a high-level cover-up of the Benghazi attack last S...

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term

WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate o...

Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals

WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they’re totally outraged or whatever about what’s currently going on in ...

Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    They’ve taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then, they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’re prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family’s priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You’ve never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of “Head Whiner.”
  • Libra

    Libra

    You’ve always prided yourself on being able to both “talk the talk” and “walk the walk,” but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter’s fourth birthday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You’ve heard the saying “you are what you eat” many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.
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