adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 14, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday’s biological-disease outbreak.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    They’ve taken to calling you a broken man, defeated, beaten, dispirited, hopeless—but then, they have access to a thesaurus.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’re prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Continuing a proud, age-old tradition, you will hand down your family’s priceless heirlooms to the next generation of Chinatown pawnbrokers this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You’ve never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Endless complaints that your talents are being wasted at work will finally pay off when management decides to promote you to the new position of “Head Whiner.”
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You’ve always prided yourself on being able to both “talk the talk” and “walk the walk,” but a debilitating stroke will soon leave you unable to do either.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to a man in uniform, but the stars still think you can do better than building custodian.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    To no avail, you will once again pray exactly 223 times for God to heal you of your lifelong obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A scantily clad stripper will soon jump out of the cake, confirming a rather embarrassing mix-up at the bakery, and completely ruining your daughter’s fourth birthday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You’ve heard the saying “you are what you eat” many times before, but prosecutors will surely describe you as anything but an innocent newborn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close