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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who's always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.

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