Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who's always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close