adBlockCheck

Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who's always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close