Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 20

The Skeet Shooter 

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could fly out from any direction at any time.

Jessica Tanley and Rodney Holl

Jessica Tanley married Rodney Holl beneath a beautiful evening sky, hoping for a shooting star at the moment of their “I Do’s,” but of course that didn’t happen because Rodney always screws everything up.

Independent Baking Scene Apparently Worth A Documentary

SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday.

Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil

The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012.

The Return Of Eddie

TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid, and is surprised to find they built the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Spring

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who's always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.
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