Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 16, 2011 

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Vol 47 Issue 20

Man's Life Riddled With Continuity Errors

DENTON, TX—Sources confirmed Friday that the life of local marketing associate Rich Hammond has been plagued by a series of glaring errors in continuity, leading many to believe it was poorly thought out, with little regard for basic logic or consis...
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 16, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life's problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Do not doubt for one second that love is real. However, your cutesy, saccharine idea of love is about as far from reality as it is possible to imagine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    For the last time: Just because others are getting jiggy with it does not mean society gives you permission to try and follow suit.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It may be true that sometimes you feel like a motherless child a long way from home, but for accuracy's sake, you should just be feeling like a self-pitying asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Although you didn't think you had any "Greatest Hits," there they are, 10 of them, for sale on cassette tape at a Knoxville-area Flying J truck stop.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll never be able to express your love for others, so take what comfort you can in your ability to express a need for more stuffed potato skins.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You had such great plans for the future, but sadly, they depended on the invention of room- temperature fusion and you learning to get up before noon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're not sure what you expected, but life as a cliff diver is no different from life as a data entry technician, except for all the cliff diving and the lack of data entry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Try as you might, you won't be able to remember the name of that one movie where Henry Fonda plays a real son of a bitch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Seriously, if you keep being such a creepo to the stars' buddy Sophie, they'll have to remind you exactly who controls the meteor showers in this here cosmos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your new job in the severe-burn ward is less fun than you'd anticipated, as it turns out the patients show up already like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's a terrible time to travel, start a new romance, or take initiative in business matters, which is odd, zodiac-wise, as it's usually the other way around.
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