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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 16, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life's problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Do not doubt for one second that love is real. However, your cutesy, saccharine idea of love is about as far from reality as it is possible to imagine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the last time: Just because others are getting jiggy with it does not mean society gives you permission to try and follow suit.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may be true that sometimes you feel like a motherless child a long way from home, but for accuracy's sake, you should just be feeling like a self-pitying asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you didn't think you had any "Greatest Hits," there they are, 10 of them, for sale on cassette tape at a Knoxville-area Flying J truck stop.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll never be able to express your love for others, so take what comfort you can in your ability to express a need for more stuffed potato skins.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You had such great plans for the future, but sadly, they depended on the invention of room- temperature fusion and you learning to get up before noon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're not sure what you expected, but life as a cliff diver is no different from life as a data entry technician, except for all the cliff diving and the lack of data entry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try as you might, you won't be able to remember the name of that one movie where Henry Fonda plays a real son of a bitch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Seriously, if you keep being such a creepo to the stars' buddy Sophie, they'll have to remind you exactly who controls the meteor showers in this here cosmos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your new job in the severe-burn ward is less fun than you'd anticipated, as it turns out the patients show up already like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's a terrible time to travel, start a new romance, or take initiative in business matters, which is odd, zodiac-wise, as it's usually the other way around.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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