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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

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The Onion’s Fall TV Preview

Networks are just weeks away from debuting their Fall lineups, featuring both new shows and returning favorites. The Onion breaks down what to watch this Fall.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 16, 2011 

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be pleasantly surprised by how many of your life's problems can be temporarily solved by just not paying attention.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Do not doubt for one second that love is real. However, your cutesy, saccharine idea of love is about as far from reality as it is possible to imagine.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the last time: Just because others are getting jiggy with it does not mean society gives you permission to try and follow suit.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may be true that sometimes you feel like a motherless child a long way from home, but for accuracy's sake, you should just be feeling like a self-pitying asshole.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Although you didn't think you had any "Greatest Hits," there they are, 10 of them, for sale on cassette tape at a Knoxville-area Flying J truck stop.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll never be able to express your love for others, so take what comfort you can in your ability to express a need for more stuffed potato skins.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You had such great plans for the future, but sadly, they depended on the invention of room- temperature fusion and you learning to get up before noon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're not sure what you expected, but life as a cliff diver is no different from life as a data entry technician, except for all the cliff diving and the lack of data entry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Try as you might, you won't be able to remember the name of that one movie where Henry Fonda plays a real son of a bitch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Seriously, if you keep being such a creepo to the stars' buddy Sophie, they'll have to remind you exactly who controls the meteor showers in this here cosmos.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your new job in the severe-burn ward is less fun than you'd anticipated, as it turns out the patients show up already like that.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's a terrible time to travel, start a new romance, or take initiative in business matters, which is odd, zodiac-wise, as it's usually the other way around.

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