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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. Daytime Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will† stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You look handsome and dashing in you brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.

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