Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 20

Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range

SAN ANTONIO—After a brief exchange with the gun range manager, the remorseless gunman purchased a box of ammunition, showed two pieces of ID, signed in, walked to stall No. 17, and at once began his crazed shooting spree.

Steve Nash

The Suns average significantly more points when their seasoned point guard is on the court. Is he any good?

LeBron's Next Team

In scant weeks, LeBron James will be the most desirable free agent in recent memory. Where will basketball's biggest catch choose to go?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 18, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. Daytime Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will† stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You look handsome and dashing in you brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
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