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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 2, 2011

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 2, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sleep will elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set up a false dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say about that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You hate the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll have to use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a looking glass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars hate to be the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that you love too much.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People will say you've hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly haven't been paying attention to a thing you've done.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally give in to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it, "spread you wide open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to town," but to your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You knew that moving to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture shock, but you had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the lawn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will bloom in your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of pollen and making a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit of routine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be no major changes in your life this week, which given the fires and barracudas, is pretty terrible news.

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