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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 2, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sleep will elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set up a false dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say about that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You hate the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll have to use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a looking glass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars hate to be the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that you love too much.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People will say you've hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly haven't been paying attention to a thing you've done.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally give in to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it, "spread you wide open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to town," but to your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You knew that moving to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture shock, but you had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the lawn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will bloom in your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of pollen and making a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit of routine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be no major changes in your life this week, which given the fires and barracudas, is pretty terrible news.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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