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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 2, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sleep will elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set up a false dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say about that.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You hate the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll have to use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a looking glass.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars hate to be the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that you love too much.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People will say you've hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly haven't been paying attention to a thing you've done.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll finally give in to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it, "spread you wide open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to town," but to your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You knew that moving to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture shock, but you had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the lawn.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will bloom in your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of pollen and making a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit of routine.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There will be no major changes in your life this week, which given the fires and barracudas, is pretty terrible news.

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