Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 20, 2014

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 20

Bag Of Flour Has Slave Auction On Front

Scientists politely remind the world that clean energy technology is ready to go whenever, a new study finds most high school graduates are woefully unprepared for high school, and a bag of flour has a slave auction on its front.

Petco To Stop Selling Dog, Cat Treats Made In China

The pet supply retail chain Petco has announced that after the deaths of 1,000 dogs were linked to consuming chicken, duck and jerky treats imported from China, it will cease selling Chinese-made pet treats in its 1,300 stores across the nation.

Levi Strauss CEO: Stop Washing Your Jeans

Speaking at a sustainability conference Tuesday, Levi Strauss CEO Chip Bergh told consumers that washing jeans is an unnecessary process that wastes water, and instead recommended placing jeans in the freezer to kill germs.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Small Business

Comedy

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 20, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you're hailed as the next John Updike.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You thought having a cat would be fun, but it's been 10 days and it hasn't even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it's unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Don't let people tell you that you can't be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won't have to put up with as much of it as most people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn't fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More