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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 20, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you're hailed as the next John Updike.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You thought having a cat would be fun, but it's been 10 days and it hasn't even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it's unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't let people tell you that you can't be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won't have to put up with as much of it as most people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn't fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.

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