Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 21, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 21

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept.

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Business

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 21, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that, Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’ll discover the long-sought missing link between humans and apes this week, moments after standing directly in front of your bathroom mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A strange feeling will soon come over you when doctors pull a smaller, screaming woman out of you, a larger, screaming woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Despite several of face-to-face meetings, and a series of concessions on your parts, the ants still will refuse to recognize your truce.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: Your grandfather is more than just a member of the family, he’s a living time machine to the incredibly confused past!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your job may not help to save any lives, or cure people of fatal diseases, which is a problem, as you’re a highly regarded heart surgeon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A courageous time traveler will journey back in time this week to save your poorly thought out student film from a lack of ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Nobody really understands you like your husband does, except maybe for every single American who’s ever read a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A backyard barbecue this week will smell a lot more fun than it actually is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After years of keeping the secret to yourself, you will finally break your silence this week on that one thing nobody really cares about.
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