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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 21, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that, Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ll discover the long-sought missing link between humans and apes this week, moments after standing directly in front of your bathroom mirror.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A strange feeling will soon come over you when doctors pull a smaller, screaming woman out of you, a larger, screaming woman.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Despite several of face-to-face meetings, and a series of concessions on your parts, the ants still will refuse to recognize your truce.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: Your grandfather is more than just a member of the family, he’s a living time machine to the incredibly confused past!
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your job may not help to save any lives, or cure people of fatal diseases, which is a problem, as you’re a highly regarded heart surgeon.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A courageous time traveler will journey back in time this week to save your poorly thought out student film from a lack of ending.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Nobody really understands you like your husband does, except maybe for every single American who’s ever read a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A backyard barbecue this week will smell a lot more fun than it actually is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of keeping the secret to yourself, you will finally break your silence this week on that one thing nobody really cares about.

More from this section

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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