Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 21

$lapping $trangers

MTV 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Contestants must slap as many unsuspecting passersby as they can for a chance to win $300.

Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks.

Friends Of Friends

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time.

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country’s government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly advanced aliens who can move through time at will.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, so maybe it's time to consider quitting your job on that offshore oil rig.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be caught utterly and completely off-guard by next week's events, causing you to wish once again that you had some sort of way to tell the future.
  • Leo

    Leo

    While it's true you're not the brightest person around, take solace in the fact that you're not going to win any beauty contests, either.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Although at first it seems impossible to believe the zookeeper's story of how you were switched at birth, the fact remains that you're the only giraffe in your office.
  • Libra

    Libra

    This week it will seem you must either tell your secret love about your feelings or die. Next week, of course, you will die.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Some trouble looms at work next week when first the boss decides to fire half the staff and then those people get mad and decide to murder everybody.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    No real change for your star sign this week, unless you're one of those over-sensitive types who lets it get to them when the White House explodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After a solid decade of enduring horrifying and unrelenting psychosexual nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You finally win the love and admiration of all American citizens now that it means exactly jack shit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Seriously, if kielbasa on a roll with coleslaw and barbecue sauce isn't the best thing in the entire world, the stars would like to know just what is.
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