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Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly advanced aliens who can move through time at will.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, so maybe it's time to consider quitting your job on that offshore oil rig.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be caught utterly and completely off-guard by next week's events, causing you to wish once again that you had some sort of way to tell the future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true you're not the brightest person around, take solace in the fact that you're not going to win any beauty contests, either.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although at first it seems impossible to believe the zookeeper's story of how you were switched at birth, the fact remains that you're the only giraffe in your office.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week it will seem you must either tell your secret love about your feelings or die. Next week, of course, you will die.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Some trouble looms at work next week when first the boss decides to fire half the staff and then those people get mad and decide to murder everybody.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No real change for your star sign this week, unless you're one of those over-sensitive types who lets it get to them when the White House explodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a solid decade of enduring horrifying and unrelenting psychosexual nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You finally win the love and admiration of all American citizens now that it means exactly jack shit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Seriously, if kielbasa on a roll with coleslaw and barbecue sauce isn't the best thing in the entire world, the stars would like to know just what is.

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