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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes – Week Of May 22, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly advanced aliens who can move through time at will.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, so maybe it's time to consider quitting your job on that offshore oil rig.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be caught utterly and completely off-guard by next week's events, causing you to wish once again that you had some sort of way to tell the future.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    While it's true you're not the brightest person around, take solace in the fact that you're not going to win any beauty contests, either.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although at first it seems impossible to believe the zookeeper's story of how you were switched at birth, the fact remains that you're the only giraffe in your office.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    This week it will seem you must either tell your secret love about your feelings or die. Next week, of course, you will die.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Some trouble looms at work next week when first the boss decides to fire half the staff and then those people get mad and decide to murder everybody.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    No real change for your star sign this week, unless you're one of those over-sensitive types who lets it get to them when the White House explodes.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a solid decade of enduring horrifying and unrelenting psychosexual nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You finally win the love and admiration of all American citizens now that it means exactly jack shit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Seriously, if kielbasa on a roll with coleslaw and barbecue sauce isn't the best thing in the entire world, the stars would like to know just what is.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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