adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 23, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the bullshit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close