adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 23, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 23, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the bullshit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close