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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 25, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 25, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you'll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.

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