Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 21

High School Makes Girls’ Yearbook Photos Less Sexy

Wasatch High School in Utah is facing criticism after several female students discovered the yearbook staff had altered their photos by digitally adding sleeves and higher necklines, changes officials said were made to comply with the school’s dress...

Nation's Depressed March On Atlantic Ocean

The only nation where this regularly happens concludes that there’s no way to prevent this, a college rape victim is pretty thrilled about recounting her assault to a faculty committee, and the nation’s depressed individuals march on the Atlan...

How Recycling Works

With humans consuming an increasing amount of resources, the process of recycling has become more important than ever for protecting the planet.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Trouble arises in the workplace when, after overhearing your remark about Lincoln having freed the slaves, your boss whips you, chains you to the drill press, and remarks that Lincoln was a long way from Shenzhen.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The supposedly open-minded residents of your hometown will shun you for sleeping with white women, especially when they find out you've been using lead-based paint to get them that way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll find it difficult to express your pride when the local nursing college lists your "activities" as the reason enrollment is down.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you're pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven's Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've always believed that you've left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you'll end the day as the oldest woman ever in≠ducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometime's it's better to actually help people out of the burning building.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although you are firmly convinced there are some things that mankind was just not meant to know, you're not exactly sure how you're supposed to be able to tell what they are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Someday in the future, long after you've died and passed from living memory, really won't be that long from now.
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