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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Trouble arises in the workplace when, after overhearing your remark about Lincoln having freed the slaves, your boss whips you, chains you to the drill press, and remarks that Lincoln was a long way from Shenzhen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The supposedly open-minded residents of your hometown will shun you for sleeping with white women, especially when they find out you've been using lead-based paint to get them that way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll find it difficult to express your pride when the local nursing college lists your "activities" as the reason enrollment is down.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you're pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven's Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always believed that you've left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you'll end the day as the oldest woman ever in≠ducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometime's it's better to actually help people out of the burning building.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you are firmly convinced there are some things that mankind was just not meant to know, you're not exactly sure how you're supposed to be able to tell what they are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Someday in the future, long after you've died and passed from living memory, really won't be that long from now.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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