adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 27, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Trouble arises in the workplace when, after overhearing your remark about Lincoln having freed the slaves, your boss whips you, chains you to the drill press, and remarks that Lincoln was a long way from Shenzhen.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The supposedly open-minded residents of your hometown will shun you for sleeping with white women, especially when they find out you've been using lead-based paint to get them that way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll find it difficult to express your pride when the local nursing college lists your "activities" as the reason enrollment is down.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    While it's true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you're pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven's Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always believed that you've left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you'll end the day as the oldest woman ever in≠ducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometime's it's better to actually help people out of the burning building.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Although you are firmly convinced there are some things that mankind was just not meant to know, you're not exactly sure how you're supposed to be able to tell what they are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Someday in the future, long after you've died and passed from living memory, really won't be that long from now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close