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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take the stars’ word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.

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