Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 22

Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Leo

    Leo

    Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Take the stars’ word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
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