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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

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Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take the stars’ word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.

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