adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
End Of Section
  • More News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 28, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Remember: It's always a good idea to wait at least 30 minutes before going ahead and defecating in the pool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your big mouth will get you in a lot of trouble this week, though it's actually your small jaw that'll be to blame.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life may seem like one big game to you, which explains the little plastic tokens, the six-sided dice, and your repeated utterances of "sorry!"
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to adverse weather conditions and severe delays, your next stop this evening will no longer be "Party Town!"
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take the stars’ word for it: That guy Dave from work really has it coming.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll have a hard time controlling yourself this week, but then that's what the serene-looking men in lab coats are here for.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The otherworldly spirit of William Safire will visit you this evening and spend the next three hours correcting every grammatical mistake you've ever made.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While teaching the lowland gorilla how to communicate is entirely possible, getting the self-obsessed primate to shut the hell up is a whole other story.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Turns out it's actually a grease fire, that pitcher is filled with gasoline, and all those firefighters are merely strippers.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close