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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 29, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes it's useful to be literal-minded, but for the love of God, please stop coming up with new ways to skin a cat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's nice that you finally found someone to love and who also loves you, but a moment's consideration should be all you need to realize that this does not constitute an adequate reason to live.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Okay, the stars are sorry that they made you wear a gorilla suit all last week for what turned out to be no reason, but it's really, truly, vitally important that you wear a Carmen Miranda fruit hat everywhere for the next few days.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that fortune is in your future this week. Really. All 140 trillion of them in the known universe talked it over in one of their star meetings and they all agreed that yeah, you're getting lots of money.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take heart: A higher power does indeed hear your prayers, and as soon as it can figure out exactly where they're coming from, it's going to do something about them once and for all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will begin to see things differently this week when your eyes are suddenly replaced with a set of novelty video filters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not that people won't care when you fall screaming and flaming from the sky next week. They've just gotten used to you by now is all.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Playing the lottery every week and losing should give you insights into what's wrong with your life, particularly because you almost never recognize any of the winning numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You love saying that Jesus never said a word against your lifestyle, but in fact He spoke out many times against the practice of murdering people in cold blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be spiritually elevated to a new dimension, but unfortunately it will only be a new dimension in storage solutions for home and office.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it may not be true that everyone has something they do better than anyone else, the stars cannot remember the last time they so enjoyed watching someone flee angry zoo animals.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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