Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 29, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 22

Ellen Cooper

Account manager Ellen Cooper only sighed audibly four times during last Tuesday's staff meeting.

Deadliest Catch: Fish Perspective

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Tonight, teams of fish equipped with special underwater cameras attempt to avoid the fishermen’s nets, but then they just swim away with all the cameras and footage.

Sad Sack Bullied By Area Goose

ARLINGTON, MA—According to onlookers in Wright Park, local sad sack Morgan Jennings was intimidated, bullied, and sent fleeing for safety by a Canada goose today while walking beside the park's namesake pond. Sources said the 36-year-old benefits of...

Dinner For One

Food 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Four days after Kaitlin's decision to call off the engagement, host Adam Viscardi gazes vacantly into the camera while absentmindedly eating half a box of pancake mix.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Partying

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 29, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Sometimes it's useful to be literal-minded, but for the love of God, please stop coming up with new ways to skin a cat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's nice that you finally found someone to love and who also loves you, but a moment's consideration should be all you need to realize that this does not constitute an adequate reason to live.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Okay, the stars are sorry that they made you wear a gorilla suit all last week for what turned out to be no reason, but it's really, truly, vitally important that you wear a Carmen Miranda fruit hat everywhere for the next few days.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars indicate that fortune is in your future this week. Really. All 140 trillion of them in the known universe talked it over in one of their star meetings and they all agreed that yeah, you're getting lots of money.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Take heart: A higher power does indeed hear your prayers, and as soon as it can figure out exactly where they're coming from, it's going to do something about them once and for all.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will begin to see things differently this week when your eyes are suddenly replaced with a set of novelty video filters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's not that people won't care when you fall screaming and flaming from the sky next week. They've just gotten used to you by now is all.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Playing the lottery every week and losing should give you insights into what's wrong with your life, particularly because you almost never recognize any of the winning numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You love saying that Jesus never said a word against your lifestyle, but in fact He spoke out many times against the practice of murdering people in cold blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be spiritually elevated to a new dimension, but unfortunately it will only be a new dimension in storage solutions for home and office.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    While it may not be true that everyone has something they do better than anyone else, the stars cannot remember the last time they so enjoyed watching someone flee angry zoo animals.
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