Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 29, 2012

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...
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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 29, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes it's useful to be literal-minded, but for the love of God, please stop coming up with new ways to skin a cat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's nice that you finally found someone to love and who also loves you, but a moment's consideration should be all you need to realize that this does not constitute an adequate reason to live.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Okay, the stars are sorry that they made you wear a gorilla suit all last week for what turned out to be no reason, but it's really, truly, vitally important that you wear a Carmen Miranda fruit hat everywhere for the next few days.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that fortune is in your future this week. Really. All 140 trillion of them in the known universe talked it over in one of their star meetings and they all agreed that yeah, you're getting lots of money.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take heart: A higher power does indeed hear your prayers, and as soon as it can figure out exactly where they're coming from, it's going to do something about them once and for all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will begin to see things differently this week when your eyes are suddenly replaced with a set of novelty video filters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not that people won't care when you fall screaming and flaming from the sky next week. They've just gotten used to you by now is all.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Playing the lottery every week and losing should give you insights into what's wrong with your life, particularly because you almost never recognize any of the winning numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You love saying that Jesus never said a word against your lifestyle, but in fact He spoke out many times against the practice of murdering people in cold blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be spiritually elevated to a new dimension, but unfortunately it will only be a new dimension in storage solutions for home and office.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it may not be true that everyone has something they do better than anyone else, the stars cannot remember the last time they so enjoyed watching someone flee angry zoo animals.