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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 29, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll wake up in strangers' beds five times this week, which should be all the proof you need that you should meet more people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sometimes it's useful to be literal-minded, but for the love of God, please stop coming up with new ways to skin a cat.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's nice that you finally found someone to love and who also loves you, but a moment's consideration should be all you need to realize that this does not constitute an adequate reason to live.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Okay, the stars are sorry that they made you wear a gorilla suit all last week for what turned out to be no reason, but it's really, truly, vitally important that you wear a Carmen Miranda fruit hat everywhere for the next few days.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars indicate that fortune is in your future this week. Really. All 140 trillion of them in the known universe talked it over in one of their star meetings and they all agreed that yeah, you're getting lots of money.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Take heart: A higher power does indeed hear your prayers, and as soon as it can figure out exactly where they're coming from, it's going to do something about them once and for all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will begin to see things differently this week when your eyes are suddenly replaced with a set of novelty video filters.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's not that people won't care when you fall screaming and flaming from the sky next week. They've just gotten used to you by now is all.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Playing the lottery every week and losing should give you insights into what's wrong with your life, particularly because you almost never recognize any of the winning numbers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You love saying that Jesus never said a word against your lifestyle, but in fact He spoke out many times against the practice of murdering people in cold blood.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be spiritually elevated to a new dimension, but unfortunately it will only be a new dimension in storage solutions for home and office.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    While it may not be true that everyone has something they do better than anyone else, the stars cannot remember the last time they so enjoyed watching someone flee angry zoo animals.
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