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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes the exact right thing falls right out of the sky and hits you between the eyes, which will be the case next week after the bowling-ball plant upwind from you explodes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll worry about your mental health when your dog suddenly begins speaking to you in a commanding voice, but all it seems to want is food, water, and the occasional walk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll set off on an unnerving romantic adventure with a new partner who shares your unhealthy interests and reflects all the things you like least about yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Soon you will reach the halfway point of your life, allowing you to look back on past triumphs as well as forward to the time when you'll be old enough to legally buy alcohol.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They'll say you died of a broken heart, but that's only because no one wants to explain autoerotic asphyxiation to your poor mother.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Demanding excellence from yourself and your colleagues is not enough. Demand excellence from yourself and excellence, cash, and valuables from your colleagues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everything will go just fine next week except for the part with the truckload of carpet tacks, which doesn't really come when you'd think the part with the truckload of carpet tacks would.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's true that just one more cookie won't hurt, as the volcanic activity that will soon render all your earthly concerns irrelevant has been building up for months now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll have difficulty making yourself understood next week, and for quite a while, even though the people who found you frozen in that block of ice are extremely intelligent scientists.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You really hate it when people say "let's get out of here" in disaster movies, which is hypocritical given how it's usually the first thing out of your own mouth during a disaster.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars apologize for the lack of detail in last week's horoscope about being seduced by a tall, dark stranger, but you must admit you had never seen that horse before.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a hard time finding inner peace, but frankly, you're snorting so much large-animal tranquilizer the stars figure you don't really care.

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