Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011

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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Sometimes the exact right thing falls right out of the sky and hits you between the eyes, which will be the case next week after the bowling-ball plant upwind from you explodes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll worry about your mental health when your dog suddenly begins speaking to you in a commanding voice, but all it seems to want is food, water, and the occasional walk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll set off on an unnerving romantic adventure with a new partner who shares your unhealthy interests and reflects all the things you like least about yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Soon you will reach the halfway point of your life, allowing you to look back on past triumphs as well as forward to the time when you'll be old enough to legally buy alcohol.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They'll say you died of a broken heart, but that's only because no one wants to explain autoerotic asphyxiation to your poor mother.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Demanding excellence from yourself and your colleagues is not enough. Demand excellence from yourself and excellence, cash, and valuables from your colleagues.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everything will go just fine next week except for the part with the truckload of carpet tacks, which doesn't really come when you'd think the part with the truckload of carpet tacks would.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's true that just one more cookie won't hurt, as the volcanic activity that will soon render all your earthly concerns irrelevant has been building up for months now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll have difficulty making yourself understood next week, and for quite a while, even though the people who found you frozen in that block of ice are extremely intelligent scientists.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You really hate it when people say "let's get out of here" in disaster movies, which is hypocritical given how it's usually the first thing out of your own mouth during a disaster.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars apologize for the lack of detail in last week's horoscope about being seduced by a tall, dark stranger, but you must admit you had never seen that horse before.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll have a hard time finding inner peace, but frankly, you're snorting so much large-animal tranquilizer the stars figure you don't really care.


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