Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 22

Point Of Story Apparently That Man Ate At Restaurant

ELYSBURG, PA—Friends of 33-year-old Dan Leski were subjected Tuesday to a detailed account of his recent visit to a restaurant, the sole point of which was apparently to communicate the fact that Leski had eaten food and then paid for it.

Educated Bigot That Much More Terrifying

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After arguing with a well-read, articulate racist Wednesday, area man Daniel Truett described the experience as "bone-chilling," telling reporters it was far scarier than any encounter with an ignorant bigot ever could hav...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 30, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    Sometimes the exact right thing falls right out of the sky and hits you between the eyes, which will be the case next week after the bowling-ball plant upwind from you explodes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll worry about your mental health when your dog suddenly begins speaking to you in a commanding voice, but all it seems to want is food, water, and the occasional walk.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll set off on an unnerving romantic adventure with a new partner who shares your unhealthy interests and reflects all the things you like least about yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Soon you will reach the halfway point of your life, allowing you to look back on past triumphs as well as forward to the time when you'll be old enough to legally buy alcohol.
  • Leo

    Leo

    They'll say you died of a broken heart, but that's only because no one wants to explain autoerotic asphyxiation to your poor mother.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Demanding excellence from yourself and your colleagues is not enough. Demand excellence from yourself and excellence, cash, and valuables from your colleagues.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Everything will go just fine next week except for the part with the truckload of carpet tacks, which doesn't really come when you'd think the part with the truckload of carpet tacks would.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    It's true that just one more cookie won't hurt, as the volcanic activity that will soon render all your earthly concerns irrelevant has been building up for months now.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll have difficulty making yourself understood next week, and for quite a while, even though the people who found you frozen in that block of ice are extremely intelligent scientists.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You really hate it when people say "let's get out of here" in disaster movies, which is hypocritical given how it's usually the first thing out of your own mouth during a disaster.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars apologize for the lack of detail in last week's horoscope about being seduced by a tall, dark stranger, but you must admit you had never seen that horse before.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll have a hard time finding inner peace, but frankly, you're snorting so much large-animal tranquilizer the stars figure you don't really care.
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