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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4, 2010

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Entertainment

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll soon be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be shocked this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.

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