Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 18

Yankees Hat Purchased

WAYNE, NJ—Thirty-six-year-old Ian Althoff, a self-professed casual baseball fan, purchased a fitted New York Yankees baseball cap Monday for the retail price of $33.99.

Phillies Bring In Bruise Specialist

PHILADELPHIA—Phillies manager Charlie Manuel announced Thursday that a bruise specialist from the Johns Hopkins Hospital's contusion trauma center was brought in to examine a third-degree boo-boo on outfielder Shane Victorino's thigh.

Actress, Musician To Wed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The musician, who was once married to the dancer before divorcing three years ago amid scandal over an Internet sexual intercourse tape, recently attended sex addiction rehab and is described as "ready to settle down" by his lawyer.

Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes.

Bill Russell

In this classic Strongside/Weakside we celebrate a team player who embodied basketball's defensive mindset. Was he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll soon be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be shocked this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
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