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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 4, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It is said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul, which helps explain why so many damn birds keep flying into them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Long after your mind's shut down, your unconscious body will continue to have a great time on top of that trampoline.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll soon be amazed by the amount of progress you've made in therapy.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be shocked this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Being a Trojan quality-control tester might be the best job in the world, but you'll soon leave it all behind to spend more time with your 87 children.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    So ashamed will you be about falling down the stairs that you'll lie to friends and family, telling them your husband beat you instead.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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