Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 6, 2014

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Vol 50 Issue 18

Area Man Nervously Asks Girlfriend If She’ll Settle

WASHINGTON—Visibly anxious after bringing his longtime girlfriend to local pub The Bier Baron, area man Noel Johnson reportedly got down on one knee Friday and finally mustered the courage to ask Amanda Spaid whether she was willing to settle for hi...

Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

A poll finds 56% of voters think the country is better off than it was 4 eons ago, a brutally honest new Revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change who you are, and a bodybuilder’s veins are now outside of his skin.

McDonald’s Testing Do-It-Yourself Seasoned Fries

McDonald’s confirmed they’re testing do-it-yourself seasoned french fries, which customers assemble by pouring packets of flavoring onto the fries in a special mixing bag, a concept that was introduced by Burger King in 2002 and failed.

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 6, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries

    After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you several thousand dollars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you all up.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A good friend will be a pillar of strength and selflessly support you in a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending them a note that says "Thanks for your support."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself, especially as you'll appeal to a whole new group of people, after they make a 12" dance remix or you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders-type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The FDA will realize their mistake too late to prevent your death after they accidentally name you as part of a complete breakfast.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Hallowe'en was so awkward this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Romance will once again pass you by when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mixtapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.
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