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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 6, 2014

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 6, 2014

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you several thousand dollars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you all up.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A good friend will be a pillar of strength and selflessly support you in a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending them a note that says "Thanks for your support."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself, especially as you'll appeal to a whole new group of people, after they make a 12" dance remix or you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders-type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The FDA will realize their mistake too late to prevent your death after they accidentally name you as part of a complete breakfast.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Hallowe'en was so awkward this year.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Romance will once again pass you by when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mixtapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.

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