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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 7, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

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