Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 7, 2013

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 7, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.


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