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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 7, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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