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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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