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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.

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