Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 19

Cliffhanger High

Noggin 4:00 p.m. EST/3:00 p.m. CST All-state baseball pitcher Russ throws two strikes to the opposing team's star player, the girls nervously shuffle on stage for the regional cheerleading competition, Principal Wolf dials the number of the clinic to lea...

Guitar Music Fad Runs Course

CLEVELAND—Nearly six decades after electric-guitar-based rock and roll began its dominance of mainstream popular music, the fad has finally run its course, a group of fans, critics, and record industry executives confirmed Sunday.

5-Year-Old Announces Circle No Longer Her Favorite Shape

ALLENTOWN, PA—Radically reversing nearly three weeks of precedent, local 5-year-old Tricia Billings announced Saturday that the circle was no longer her favorite shape. "Circles aren't my favorite anymore," said Billings, denouncing t...

Not The New York Philharmonic

PBS 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST A pre-taped concert that doesn’t feature some of the greatest musicians in the country, thank God.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.
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