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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes – Week of May 8, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you'll finally encounter a problem you can't solve with your fists.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it's better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he'll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today's corporate world means you're pretty much fucked.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.

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