Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 9, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 19

Nation Wrestling With Notion Of Mark Cuban Winning NBA Title

DALLAS—Within hours of the Mavericks sweeping the Lakers Sunday to advance to the NBA Western Conference Finals, basketball fans across the United States began preparing themselves for the very real possibility of outspoken libertarian and tech bill...

Career Highlights Of Phil Jackson

Thirteen-time NBA champion Phil Jackson, the man who most thoroughly embodies the idea of the basketball guru, is saying he’ll hang it up now that his Lakers have been eliminated from the playoffs.

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week.

Area Man Has Some Pretty Shitty Mob Ties

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Despite local contractor Danny Polazza's frequent claims that "he knows a few guys," friends confirmed Monday that the 42-year-old's ties to the Mafia are actually pretty shitty.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 9, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a charm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it mostly involves being hit by a bus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You aren't the first person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The powers-that-be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Some say the world will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    While it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You've always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Buck up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over years ago.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.
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