adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 9, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Your Horoscopes - Week Of May 9, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a charm.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it mostly involves being hit by a bus.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You aren't the first person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The powers-that-be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Some say the world will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    While it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Buck up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over years ago.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close