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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of Nov. 20, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have a mind like a steel trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Never in a million years did you think you’d be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A prizewinning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn’t talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It’s not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they’ll find it in will be less than desirable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’re getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who’s supposed to be watching after your children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Whom Nobody Takes Seriously or Respects.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa’s cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.

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