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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of Nov. 20, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have a mind like a steel trap, much to the horror of all those poor naked women locked inside.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Never in a million years did you think you’d be diagnosed with split-personality disorder, which is surprising, as Frank saw it coming a mile away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A prizewinning horse should have a thick coat, strong hindquarters, and an elegant gait. Also, it probably shouldn’t talk, suddenly split in two, and run off in opposing directions.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It’s not enough to just sit there and cry about your problems all night long. Try also kicking your legs a bit to see if that helps.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Border guards will accuse you of trying to smuggle 10 pounds of prime Chilean beef inside your colon, though the condition they’ll find it in will be less than desirable.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You’re getting to be much too old for a babysitter, especially one who’s supposed to be watching after your children.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars foresee a huge promotion at work this week. Get ready to move up to Senior Person Whom Nobody Takes Seriously or Respects.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You’ll kick back this week with a little bit of Grandpa’s cough medicine, which is too bad, as Grandpa was a radiation oncologist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Behind every successful man is a woman. However, if they find the basement full of yours, you can kiss your career in politics goodbye.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A little piece of you will die this week, clotting the little fluids it helps to circulate, collapsing the little lungs it helps to expand, and completely shutting down your little nerve center.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. However, the exaggerated and drawn-out stutter they say it with indicates otherwise.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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