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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 1, 2011

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Entertainment

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 1, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always wanted to become a local legend, so please enjoy your fame as The Guy Who Smoked at the Gas Station and Everyone in the Next Town Thought Was a Meteor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll reach your sexual peak tomorrow afternoon, surprising yourself almost more than the woman who owns the dachshunds.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    We can't control who we fall in love with, but you're set to change all that with your new invention, the Love Controller 2.0.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may be getting used to it and it may be more comfortable than you would have guessed, but there's always the possibility that someone will come along and turn the electric chair on.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just when you finally get everything exactly the way you want it, you'll decide you liked the world a lot better when it had people in it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If there's a moral to your story, you have yet to figure out what it is, which is pretty pathetic considering what that mouse went through to get the thorn out of your paw.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've thought about titling your autobiography Untamed, but that might give away how you suffered all those bear-, tiger, and lion- related injuries.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Things have been looking dire, but you'll soon learn that a sponsorship deal with a local sausage company will fund you through 2012.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is a good week for romance in the workplace, which is troubling for you and everyone else at the monastery.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The workings of the human heart have always been a mystery to you, but you'll soon figure it out thanks to a handy instructional pamphlet featuring a friendly cowboy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll continue to struggle with your efforts to truly know yourself, but after being chased off every doorstep on the street, you'll be pretty sure you're not the milkman.

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