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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 1, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always wanted to become a local legend, so please enjoy your fame as The Guy Who Smoked at the Gas Station and Everyone in the Next Town Thought Was a Meteor.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll reach your sexual peak tomorrow afternoon, surprising yourself almost more than the woman who owns the dachshunds.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    We can't control who we fall in love with, but you're set to change all that with your new invention, the Love Controller 2.0.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You may be getting used to it and it may be more comfortable than you would have guessed, but there's always the possibility that someone will come along and turn the electric chair on.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just when you finally get everything exactly the way you want it, you'll decide you liked the world a lot better when it had people in it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If there's a moral to your story, you have yet to figure out what it is, which is pretty pathetic considering what that mouse went through to get the thorn out of your paw.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've thought about titling your autobiography Untamed, but that might give away how you suffered all those bear-, tiger, and lion- related injuries.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Things have been looking dire, but you'll soon learn that a sponsorship deal with a local sausage company will fund you through 2012.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    This is a good week for romance in the workplace, which is troubling for you and everyone else at the monastery.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The workings of the human heart have always been a mystery to you, but you'll soon figure it out thanks to a handy instructional pamphlet featuring a friendly cowboy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll continue to struggle with your efforts to truly know yourself, but after being chased off every doorstep on the street, you'll be pretty sure you're not the milkman.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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