Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 12, 2013

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Late Night

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 12, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More