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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 12, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 12, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's not so much your intimacy issues, or even your commitment issues that will stand in your way. It's your Uncanny X-men issues.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll lose your oldest and dearest friend to smoking this week, shortly after running out of cigarettes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it, which isn't surprising, considering what a complete jerk life can be.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You look handsome and dashing in your brand new suit. Now, if only a close friend or relative would die, you'd be all set.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There's nothing harder in the world than losing a child, especially when wagering with a full house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd pretty much kill for the chance to start things over again, which come to think of it, is how you got yourself into this mess to begin with.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It will be born with ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes, much to the horror of everyone at the reptile breeding center.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Don't worry: They're not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They're laughing with your repeated and costly failures.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Most women are attracted to power and status, but then the stars don't need to tell you that, Mr. General Manager of the Court Street Baskin-Robbins.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Just when things seem to be going your way, the baboons will suddenly and violently wake up.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: Love is more than just feelings of infatuation and attraction and lust. Usually, there's a few feet of rope also involved.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The presence of Jupiter in your fourth house indicates newfound personal maturity. The presence of empty pizza boxes in your first apartment, however, suggests otherwise.

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