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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 13, 2012

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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 13, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an . In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.

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