Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 13, 2012

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Vol 48 Issue 46

Sunday, November 18

Smelly Randall will be in Roosevelt Park yelling at pigeons from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., after which he’ll hold a brief Q&A.

Cool New Lakers Coach Doesn't Make Team Play Defense

LOS ANGELES—The mood in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room was upbeat this morning as players were reportedly enthusiastic about new head coach Mike D’Antoni’s policy of never forcing them to play any defense whatsoever.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 13, 2012

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the east in the moon's next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    No one will be able to describe your death without using a lot of violent hand gestures, making whooping sounds, and generally doing his or her best "angry chimp" imitation.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You have failed in your life's goal, but don't feel too bad: Of all the people who dream of working at a fast food restaurant, only 98 percent actually make it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Don't waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Turns out your nightmarish descent into alcoholism and drug abuse will be a lot more fun than expected.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your natural resourcefulness allows you to enjoy father-daughter day at the zoo, though you are neither a father nor a daughter, and you can't stand animals.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your decision to take up bicycling will cause many in your area to rethink their call for increased bicycle safety.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You'll finally find yourself in a relationship that may not end with you asking the other person if they'd like a bag for that.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though your birthday falls into the correct range of dates, the stars say you are not actually an . In fact, they are pretty sure you're an asshole.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You thought your new sports car could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock.
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