adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

Top Headlines

Entertainment

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news coverage you'll get next week, everyone else sure does.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Don't be surprised when your body goes through some changes next week. After all, that's why you've been injecting yourself with synthetic horse testosterone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will wait patiently while you look up the album art for Ted Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever, because they want you to know exactly what you look like to them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's good to have a detailed plan in case events take an unexpected turn, but that doesn't mean you have to go around wiping your fingerprints off everything you own.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn is rising in your sign this week, bringing with it all the pain, misery, and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're a huge fan of those cheesy one-liners uttered by antiheroes right after they kill some poor slob, so good news: Your death will not be in vain.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea People magazine had a list of the 100 Most Average Bachelors, but it's still a disappointment when you don't quite make the cut.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: You have your whole life ahead of you. Also, take some advice: It would be wise to think of the life ahead of you in terms of quality and not quantity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true life is nothing more than a tale told by an idiot, take heart. After all, you're an idiot.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite your upcoming experiences this week, the stars still think checking the backseat of your car before getting in every time is pretty paranoid.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Congratulations: Before he got a load of you, the county coroner really thought he'd seen it all.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close