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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news coverage you'll get next week, everyone else sure does.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Don't be surprised when your body goes through some changes next week. After all, that's why you've been injecting yourself with synthetic horse testosterone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will wait patiently while you look up the album art for Ted Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever, because they want you to know exactly what you look like to them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's good to have a detailed plan in case events take an unexpected turn, but that doesn't mean you have to go around wiping your fingerprints off everything you own.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn is rising in your sign this week, bringing with it all the pain, misery, and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're a huge fan of those cheesy one-liners uttered by antiheroes right after they kill some poor slob, so good news: Your death will not be in vain.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea People magazine had a list of the 100 Most Average Bachelors, but it's still a disappointment when you don't quite make the cut.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: You have your whole life ahead of you. Also, take some advice: It would be wise to think of the life ahead of you in terms of quality and not quantity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true life is nothing more than a tale told by an idiot, take heart. After all, you're an idiot.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite your upcoming experiences this week, the stars still think checking the backseat of your car before getting in every time is pretty paranoid.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Congratulations: Before he got a load of you, the county coroner really thought he'd seen it all.

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