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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 15, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news coverage you'll get next week, everyone else sure does.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Don't be surprised when your body goes through some changes next week. After all, that's why you've been injecting yourself with synthetic horse testosterone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars will wait patiently while you look up the album art for Ted Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever, because they want you to know exactly what you look like to them.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's good to have a detailed plan in case events take an unexpected turn, but that doesn't mean you have to go around wiping your fingerprints off everything you own.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn is rising in your sign this week, bringing with it all the pain, misery, and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're a huge fan of those cheesy one-liners uttered by antiheroes right after they kill some poor slob, so good news: Your death will not be in vain.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea People magazine had a list of the 100 Most Average Bachelors, but it's still a disappointment when you don't quite make the cut.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Take heart: You have your whole life ahead of you. Also, take some advice: It would be wise to think of the life ahead of you in terms of quality and not quantity.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    While it's true life is nothing more than a tale told by an idiot, take heart. After all, you're an idiot.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Despite your upcoming experiences this week, the stars still think checking the backseat of your car before getting in every time is pretty paranoid.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Congratulations: Before he got a load of you, the county coroner really thought he'd seen it all.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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