adBlockCheck

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 19, 2013

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 19, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close