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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 2, 2010

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 2, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro this week over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." You're 25 pounds overweight and, frankly, the body odor is getting out of hand.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperaggressive Africanized bees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and that will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten upon waking.

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