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Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 2, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro this week over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." You're 25 pounds overweight and, frankly, the body odor is getting out of hand.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperaggressive Africanized bees.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and that will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten upon waking.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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