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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 23, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you're hailed as the next John Updike.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You thought having a cat would be fun, but it's been 10 days and it hasn't even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it's unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't let people tell you that you can't be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won't have to put up with as much of it as most people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn't fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.
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