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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 23, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you're hailed as the next John Updike.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You thought having a cat would be fun, but it's been 10 days and it hasn't even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it's unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Don't let people tell you that you can't be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won't have to put up with as much of it as most people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn't fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.

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