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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 27, 2012 

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll awake this week to find a complete stranger in your room, along with her husband, their two daughters, and all of their belongings, furniture and clothes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate the start of an exciting new career in the coming days. Though it's really those asteroids you should be paying closer attention to.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The debate over capital punishment rages on this week when hundreds of citizens argue over who gets to strap you in.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember: Nobody likes to be called a "cold fish" in bed, but taking your bar's love tester home isn't going to prove anything.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Inspiration will hit you when you least expect it this week, knocking you completely unconscious while your back is turned.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Get ready to kiss your niece, your nephew, and all of your godchildren goodbye. Though, this time, try not to slip them the tongue while you do it.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never been the type of person who runs away at the first sign of trouble. But that's because you're long gone by the time it arrives.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your exaggerated sense of self-worth takes a steep drop this week when the pyramid of milk bottles refuses to fall.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters for a thousand years may not be able to produce the works of Shakespeare, but they could probably come up with a better hyperbole in half that time.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your disdain for authority will be on full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
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