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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it at you about two dozen times a day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you're tired of turkey sandwiches.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll get the kind of bad news that's best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don't really know them that well.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they've decided to watch you back, it's really starting to become a problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you've hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The other entrants will complain that your prosthetic actually gives you an advantage in competition, which sounds insensitive, but hey, that's the Sex Olympics for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.

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