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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it at you about two dozen times a day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you're tired of turkey sandwiches.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll get the kind of bad news that's best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don't really know them that well.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they've decided to watch you back, it's really starting to become a problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you've hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The other entrants will complain that your prosthetic actually gives you an advantage in competition, which sounds insensitive, but hey, that's the Sex Olympics for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.

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