Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

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Vol 47 Issue 48

In Theory

Showtime 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST Adventurous philosophy professor Jane Theory is a sexual dynamo whose intellectual musings during intercourse help her many partners reach epiphanies and orgasms they never dreamed possible.

Cain Drops Out

After a Georgia woman came forward and claimed she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain, the former Godfather's Pizza CEO announced he would suspend his campaign for the presidency.

Wife Hoarders

A&E 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST It’s nearly impossible to wade through the stacks and stacks of wives from the 1970s that Alan has stored in his living room.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries

    They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it at you about two dozen times a day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you're tired of turkey sandwiches.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll get the kind of bad news that's best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don't really know them that well.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they've decided to watch you back, it's really starting to become a problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you've hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The other entrants will complain that your prosthetic actually gives you an advantage in competition, which sounds insensitive, but hey, that's the Sex Olympics for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.
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