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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 29, 2011

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn't mean he doesn't think it at you about two dozen times a day.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you're tired of turkey sandwiches.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll get the kind of bad news that's best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don't really know them that well.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it's because you haven't met the right girl yet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they've decided to watch you back, it's really starting to become a problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you've hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The other entrants will complain that your prosthetic actually gives you an advantage in competition, which sounds insensitive, but hey, that's the Sex Olympics for you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.

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