Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 30, 2010

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Vol 46 Issue 48

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Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they "bring some of those hot Texas girls along," Commissi...

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns.

Marriage Handled Amicably

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.

Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in soaps, were at greater risk for allergies.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes - Week Of November 30, 2010

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Trouble arises in the workplace when, after overhearing your remark about Lincoln having freed the slaves, your boss whips you, chains you to the drill press, and remarks that Lincoln was a long way from Shenzhen.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The supposedly open-minded residents of your hometown will shun you for sleeping with white women, especially when they find out you've been using lead-based paint to get them that way.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll find it difficult to express your pride when the local nursing college lists your "activities" as the reason enrollment is down.
  • Libra

    Libra

    While it's true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you're pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven's Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've always believed that you've left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you'll end the day as the oldest woman ever in≠ducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometime's it's better to actually help people out of the burning building.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Although you are firmly convinced there are some things that mankind was just not meant to know, you're not exactly sure how you're supposed to be able to tell what they are.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Someday in the future, long after you've died and passed from living memory, really won't be that long from now.
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