Aries | March 21 to April 19
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION