Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 5, 2013

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Vol 49 Issue 45

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 10 Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week 10 games: Redskins at Vikings OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Redskins – If the Redskins were to lose this game 34-27, i...

FDA To Ban All Trans Fats

The FDA proposed new guidelines that would ban nearly all artificial trans fats, which are found in products such as frosting, margarine, microwave popcorn, and frozen pizza, a measure that they say could prevent 20,000 heart attacks a year.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.
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