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Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 5, 2013

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Entertainment

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 5, 2013

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as "turning on the ol' wind farm." That's not helping anyone.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known only as disintegration.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Children are our nation's greatest natural resource. Keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that's both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.

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